My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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