how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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