Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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