Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
