You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
