I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ketchup is God's man juice
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
