I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
