Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize