New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
