i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
