The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
