if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
