How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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