I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
