Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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