i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
