Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
