I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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