she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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