I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
