Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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