i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize