There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
