You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
