he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
