so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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