I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
