Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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