It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
