I am puke
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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