dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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