if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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