i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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