someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
