24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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