Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
