I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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