Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
