Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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