I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
