even my farts smell like vagina
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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