i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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