You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
