I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
