Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
