Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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