my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
