i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
