dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize