the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
And then he peed in my hair
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