So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
