You just made me feel so damn special
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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