hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
