My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
