He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
