You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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