Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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