I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
