Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
