omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
