I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize