She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
