my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize