Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
