I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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