ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She needs sedatives and a leash
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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