Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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