If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
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