i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Sorry my hands just texted you
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
