just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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