If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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