even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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