He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
