the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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