My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
