Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize