Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
