At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize